The HAY campaign has been phenomenal in highlighting awareness of mental well-being in the equestrian community. Such a simple but powerful method of opening up a conversation with someone, hey, how are you? It has brought a normality to the fact that there will be days and times in all our lives that we won’t be ok. Of course it’s not always easy to admit we are not all right and it can be hard to admit that we may be struggling. But in order to access support one must actually say the words, To be honest I’m struggling! 

Unfortunately for those who can’t articulate how they feel, or those who can’t access support in their darkest hours, or see no way forward, their negative thoughts overcome them and they may seek to end their lives. More often than not it’s because they felt they could no longer contribute to society, can’t see any way to solve their problems, see themselves as a nuisance to their families and loved ones, convincing themselves that everyone’s life would be better off without them. 

Unfortunately, we are one of those families bereft from suicide. My husband’s oldest son took his life on the 16/1/22. A day we will never ever forget. He was 30 years old, had a partner, a six-month-old baby and a daughter of three and a half. Yes, he had a history of depression but he never spoke about it. However, we all knew, and he was supported in every way we could. The offer of paid counselling was made available to him when he encountered problems that he felt he couldn’t handle. My husband and his work colleagues spoke to him at length about his mental well-being and reassured him that there were no problems that couldn’t be sorted. 

The delusion that everyone’s lives would be better off without them is just that a delusion. I wholeheartedly accept that is what they truly believe, their self image is so low, however it can’t be further from the truth. 

The honest fact is that while they take the heartbreaking decision to end their lives, it marks absolute devastation for the families, loved ones, friends and colleagues left behind. It marks the beginning of years of grief and self doubt for those left. The rhetorical questioning of one’s self, Why didn’t I see the signs? Was I too busy? Did I tell them I was there for them? Did I tell them I loved them? 

Why didn’t they tell me? Am I that unapproachable?

Then comes the questions you want to point to them 

Why didn’t you come to us? You knew we were there for you! 

Why didn’t you just wait, think about the consequences, 

Your devastated partner, your children left without a dad, your heartbroken Mam and Dad, your Sisters, Brothers and Friends. 

So apart from the shock, the grief, then unanswered questions, then comes the anger of the decimated lives left behind. I realise of course that this is a selfish view, but it’s a reality. I also understand that when someone makes this decision that they just can’t see a future or that life is so dark that this seems their only way out! 

I heard an interview some time ago about suicide and the one phrase that has always stayed with me is 

Suicide is a Permanent solution to A Temporary Problem. 

For those left behind life will never ever be the same, the experience lets a darkness and vulnerability in your heart, and the awareness that life can change in a second can be stifling at times. The awareness also brings with it a sense of anxiety about the wellbeing of other family members and loved ones. Like everyone who experiences grief, a certain amount of guilt raises it head, when did you last see them, last speak to them ect, but following suicide the questions are endless and no answers are adequate to justify their actions. 

It’s now two years, and it’s only now that life is beginning to resume a sense of an altered normality, albeit some days like a clash of thunder we are brought right back to that day especially when we hear of others who have taken their lives, because we know only too well the pain that family will endure. 

So as I write this purely personal account of our experience I beg anyone who has any thoughts in relation to taking their own life to please please reach out for help, because there is nothing that can’t be sorted and whatever problems you experience today or tonight, they will definitely be lighter when they are shared and can be solved with support. 

Remember no one goes through life without having a crisis of some kind, so you are not alone, reach out, tell someone how you are feeling, you will get help, brighter days are ahead. 

If you need support, please check out the full list of Mental Health support services below.